My brother Babe and I are surely not the first football fans to note the close resemblance between Manchester City winger Jesús Navas and the mental image of the Antichrist that all Christians are presumably born with. From the ostentatiously Christianic name to the gaunt, sand-burned countenance, and from the choice of club to the deeply, deeply disturbing eyes, everything about the man says, “I’m a demon and I’m going to lead you to Hell.”
We might, however, be the first Navas-watchers to accidentally assign him his very own Antichristian verb. Exactly what act the verb in question describes is currently disputed, but its newness means it may be assumed, at present, to belong singularly to Navas, though it may in future be appropriated by any number of Infernal terrors. Here it is:
In fact, by pure chance, Babe’s New Word is a study in the power of phonemic association. By combining the repugnance of “putrefaction” with the religiosity of “crucifix” and the insidious coercion of “seduce,” “utrifuce” dictates its own meaning. See below for the felicitous textual intercourse that produced Babe’s New Word, and let’s all pray that today’s Swansea City match in Manchester passes without utrifiction.
Babe: Watching UCL?
Babe: Anti-Jesus Navas just utrifuced against Viktoria Plzen
Babe: Johnny Ev can only finish from under 3 feet
Talley: What on earth is utrifuced
Babe: Haha it sounds right in that context with the Czech names or whatever. It was supposed to be introduced but I like utrifuced better
. . .
Talley: Dude I can’t stop thinking about “utrifuced.” If “utrifuce” were a verb, it would surely have been used only once in history, in the book of Revelations, to describe some sort of ritual or metamorphosis that the Antichrist must undertake to steal a soul or rule the world. That word is so perfect for antichristian activity.
Talley: It sounds terrifying
Talley: I’m imagining Navas just stopping in the middle of the game, spreading his arms, looking upward, and sprouting the head of a terrible bird as the ground falls away around him
Talley: Lolololol I’m dying right now how did you accidentally come up with that perfect word
Babe: Hahaha I couldn’t change it, it sounded too good
Babe: I don’t know it was a brilliant stroke of accidental type luck
Babe: I know, it’s amazing that it happened in the context of describing the Antichrist. It sounds so archaically evil. Utrifuce.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to come up with your own Navas-inspired vocabulary in the comments.